Maritza Campos ([info]maritzac) wrote,
@ 2007-09-27 15:25:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Current mood: anxious

I have been in a pretty good mood lately.



I think it's because I'm exercising regularly again. But aside from that, several things have happened in the last months, at least emotionally. They have not always been pleasant.

For a crazy person, I think I'm actually quite sane and balanced. Still, in the last months, I've had one very close breakdown and at least a couple of "I'm really sick and dying tonight" fits that come from absolutely nowhere.

(I assume these are at *least* a very bit tangential to the untimely deaths of two relatively young cartoonists -where "young" means "close to my age". Yeah, I know- recently. Mike Wieringo was one -didn't have the pleasure to know him, unfortunately-, Alberto Hinojosa was the other -knew him, was my friend-.)

I mean, one thing is standard health paranoia, and another completely different to not being able to sleep because you're convinced you have diabetes and can go in a coma at any given second.

Of course, I had reasons -warped or not- to believe that. The rest was in my head. Later, after I checked myself, I found out my blood sugar was actually a bit high. Not really even close to be considered diabetes, but still, I got stern recommendations to watch my food and lose some pounds. Which is all right and understandable, since the weight I gained during my pregnancy didn't exactly go away.

So I started going swimming twice a week beginning this month and doing stat bike one or two days too. Awesome, huh?

Except my chest -left side- started aching like 5 days ago. Uh oh, I go. There go the paranoia wheels. Going round and around.

Since I don't really want to worry people around me EVERY time I start thinking the worse, I decided to exercise carefully and see what happened. Heart attack, maybe. HAha! Hilarious.

Nothing happened.

So I decided to exercise harder and see what happened. Nothing happened.
Then I went swimming for an hour (the next day). Nothing happened.
Then, as I went swimming today, my instructor said I was doing the crawl wrong, because I wasn't circling my arms wide enough. He was right: I was subconsciously avoiding the movement, because it's my shoulder what bothers me, and the pain irradiates to the chest when I am in position x, or the arm when I'm in position y. So, I'm not dying, I'm just stupid.

I am aware that I'm ridiculous for believing crap, but it's just something I can not resist, and my rational mind is just too weak to fight it. It's like having to put on the right shoe first, or any other stupid superstition. If I don't think the worst, it will happen.

Does it make any sense? Or am I in the well-paved road to the nuthouse?


(Post a new comment)


[info]bladespark
2007-09-27 09:25 pm UTC (link)
Well, it does seem to be a well-paved road, but only because pretty much everybody is on it at one point or another. I've done close to the exact same thing before. It's way too easy to be all paranoid about your health.

(Reply to this)


[info]silveradept
2007-09-27 10:01 pm UTC (link)
With as many ways as there appear to be ways to kill us, many of them sudden and others painful, it's crazy to worry about all the improbable things that might kill us. But that doesn't really stop it from happening. You're not going craz, you're just grappling with the knowledge that there's a chance, however small, that things could hurt or kill you. and you worry about it because you've seen people your age or younger die and wonder if you're next.

Occasionally, I worry about it too, and I'm supposed to be a sprightly young lad convinced of his immortality.

(Reply to this)

Crazy <- forsooth! All the world is crazy!
[info]windswift19
2007-09-28 12:28 am UTC (link)
Mari, I don't think you're crazy at all, everyone has their own way to cope with stress, and if you just think about how many physiological changes you've had within the last year it's incredible! So it's no wonder you start at changes in your body and routines. The main thing is not to dwell on them as much as possible, realize they are fears, and react to them as such. Your thoughts and focus affect your perception in that if you think you are sick and/or crazy you'll only be able to see the things in your life that support that.

If I might suggest... give yourself some slack, some time to get back into the rhythm and cope with the added "burden" of this child (I say that because children are both a blessing and things that make you curse) :)
You are your own worst enemy as the saying goes, and though it might be cliche the statement is nonetheless true. Find the truth, because that is the only way to beat the fear.

I hope this helps in some way, and please know that we (that is: all the people you have impacted and uplifted through your comic and sharing of your life) all support you and do not think you are any crazier than anyone else on the planet, just more artistic :D and as an artist myself I completely understand what it means to live a life filled with more vibrancy and color than is average. Good luck, our prayers and support are with you.

(Reply to this)


[info]sulcharae
2007-09-28 12:56 am UTC (link)
I can relate entirely to having spastic panicky/emotional fits and thinking the worst about any little physiological happening.
It's no fun! Glad you're getting through it.

(Reply to this)


[info]yukojin_mousei
2007-09-28 02:09 am UTC (link)
I do it all the time...I'm extremely paranoid when it comes to my health mostly because a lot of my family members die suddenly from the littlest things. You're completely normal...or I'm bonkers too. ^^

(Reply to this)


[info]dotty_alice
2007-09-28 02:25 am UTC (link)
I've been in a bad nuthouse and a good nuthouse. The bad nuthouse convinced me to get out of there as soon as I could. (Someone in the psych ward died while I was there...)

The good nuthouse was where I spent the summer of 2002 believing all sorts of strange things related to your webcomic and its fans. I may have been over-diagnosed and over-medicated, but I at least got the right psychiatric help I so desperately needed. And it didn't help that they lost most of my clothes while I was there. I noticed a girl wearing pants that were definitely mine, but I didn't complain because I felt I would be imposing. I'm still trying to piece together the missing time during that breakdown.

I had some stress in 2004 and decided to go back to the good nuthouse. Then I realized it wasn't as great as I had made it out to be. It totally sucked. I was glad to get out of there because I just had needed a break from my classes. Got a flyer for a social group meeting of young people with mental illness. They continue to be good friends today. I don't think I could have gotten through post 2004 without these people.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this right now. Maybe if you feel like you're going crazy, you should reach out to a therapist. I'm fortunate to have the best one my tuition can buy here at school. Hope that if you look for one, you will find one as equally good.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]maritzac
2007-09-28 01:34 pm UTC (link)
I think I will if I think it's getting out of control.

I read about your breakdown a few years ago on your LJ. Scary. I'm very glad you're better.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]shortpacked
2007-09-28 05:19 am UTC (link)
I'm totally right there with you, Maritza. I used to drink a gallon of Kool-Aid a day, and realized at some point in my adult life.... hey, my grandmother had diabetes. I don't get any exercise. All I eat is crap. And, yes, the sugar intake was phenomenal.

Over the past Christmas season, I was convinced I had it, but didn't have the guts to go into the hospital. I would get sick just thinking about sugary things. I would convince myself that my foot was going numb. I would lie awake at night, expecting myself to die.

And then I went home Christmas break, and my parents lent me the sugar-level checker my step-brother uses (who actually has diabetes). By then, I'd snuck a few brownies, because, dude, brownies. And I was sure I was going to die, regardless. But no, it was normal. I was fine.

So now I just assume that on any given night I'm going to die of a heart attack. Runs in the family, you know.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]maritzac
2007-09-28 01:32 pm UTC (link)
BROTHER!!! *glomps*

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]loweko
2007-09-28 09:01 am UTC (link)
Heart attacks and strokes saw off all my grandparents before I was born, usually with terrifying suddenness. I can quite sympathise, especially if you've lost a friend recently.

So in other words...everyone does it. Death is too terrible a spectre to blithely ignore.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]maritzac
2007-09-28 01:33 pm UTC (link)
I think it's at least a bit related to the fact everyday I'm reminded in a million little ways that I'm getting old. :D

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]katya_s69
2007-09-28 01:48 pm UTC (link)
You wrote:
>For a crazy person, I think I'm actually quite sane and balanced. Still, in >the last months, I've had one very close breakdown and at least a couple of >"I'm really sick and dying tonight" fits that come from absolutely nowhere.

You know, that actually sounds almost like you might be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder. Have you ever been tested for an anxiety disorder? I have suffered from GAD and it can be a real bastard to deal with - constantly on edge and thinking that something terrible is going to happen, you just don't know exactly what. Panic attacks out of nowhere.

I wish you the best. CRFH is among the first webcomics I started reading and I enjoy it a great deal.

Katy
Athens, GA

(Reply to this)


[info]ketira
2007-09-28 04:27 pm UTC (link)
Hon, you're making perfect sense - for someone who hasn't exercised aerobically for a long time. (Trust me, as soon as I get some cash, I'll be in the same boat as you. ;) ) It will go away, but only if you keep up with your exercises!

So no, you're not headed for the nuthouse. Been there, done that - lost more weight from exercise than dieting due to this crazy condition of mine - and am planning on doing it again in the future. I'm not planning on getting flat - but down to about a US size 20. Then I'll be able to go to the store to try on clothes (or sew them myself) instead of ordering 'em via catalogs. It's the 2-3 weeks of getting started that's the hard part....

So hang in there, hon. It'll get easier soon; I promise!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]ketira
2007-09-28 04:42 pm UTC (link)
oops - as usual, I focused in on one thing while totally ignoring the rest. Sorry 'bout that; it's just me sometimes....

I grieve with thee about your loss. You're mourning, and you wonder if you're next... which goes right along with the mourning. Don't forget to reach out to your friends, both here and offline. They love you, we love you, and some of us need you to make us laugh so that we can get away from the paranoia!

There are a lot of senior citizens where I live, and doctor's offices around nearly every corner....and then, there's my Mom, nagging at me to get me to lose weight or something else. (Today it was the small dig of "being on the computer all the time. I don't think she's seen my Gmail inbox lately. *rolls eyes* Can I help it if I like this nice little box? *pats tower CPU*) So don't think that you are the only one in the paranoid market about your health.

And the next time you start thinking that you're old, go hug your child.... and worry about her instead. I think you'll realize why.... ;)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

Create an Account
Forgot your login?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…